MISTER MYSTERY RESPONDS

Finally, the wise men of Chelm managed to erase the "Shem" from the Golem's forehead. Curiously enough, they found no mud in Chelm and its surroundings, so they invented a mixture of beeswax and oil that, over time, would be market worldwide under the name of Plastilina. They all did it in unison: while the Golem slept, they pounced on him and covered with Plastilina his forehead. Seeing himself without a living body to cling to, Menashe Abramowizc’s dybbuk abandoned that pile of mud remotely resembling a man and stood in front of those other candidates to be possessed. He first took possession of Dovid's body, with which he practiced transvestism in a sordid den of the port of Odessa. When the authorities imprisoned Dovid for disorderly conduct, the dybbuk moved to the body of Feivel, whereby he seduced and married an elderly rich widow of Bialystok to assassinate her immediately afterwards and appropriate all her money. When Feivel went to prison for the crime, M...

It seems that every day is Shabbat eve in Chelm for a week now. As soon as it starts to get dark, the villagers rush to lock themselves in their homes. Not to celebrate the arrival of the Shabbat, no. But to avoid bumping into the dybbuk! (Or into the Golem. Or into Frieda Zalmatscka the-frog-eater. Or into the gigantic frog that ended up eating Frieda Zalmatscka. Or into Frieda Zalmatscka the-frog-eaten.) Fortunately, the wise men of Chelm finally decided to reveal the existence of the Golem to the people, who reluctantly agreed to entrust him with the mission of patrol at night the streets of the village. The Golem has thus become the protector of the Jews of Chelm and, as such, must be responsible for catching the dybbuk who escaped from the cemetery with the skeleton of Menashe Abramowicz on his back. Because nobody would like to bump on a dark night into a dybbuk! Even less into the dybbuk of Menashe Abramowicz, of unlucky memory for, a century ago, in his lifetime, he stole all ...

At sunset, a group of women storms into the town hall shouting: "Elders! Hurry! The town is in danger!" Evron stands as the spokesperson for his colleagues: "What's up, women?" "A band of enraged goys is heading here with bad intentions!" "Lightning has struck the golden dome of their church and now they blame the Jews for it", another woman explains. "According to Stefan Sobreski, they have the intention to bathe all Jewish men of legal age in Bordelaise sauce!" A premonition of impending catastrophe falls on the wise men of Chelm. They have had very bad experiences related to the Bordelaise sauce. In a bistro of Lublin they were charged an astronomical amount for a chicken a la Bordelaise and, on another occasion, in a French restaurant they ordered a dish called “Escargots bordelaises” ignoring that in French the word ‘escargots’ means snails which, as every Jew knows, are not kosher. The elders begin to mourn and tear th...

This enigmatic phrase causes an irate and sudden reaction by Dudel: “Esoterically speaking?! Why does the Golem suddenly have to speak esoterically? That'll make things even more difficult!” Since no one has ordered him to stop, the Golem continues to read imperturbably. He is standing in the center of the room with the Zohar open in his hands, reading with his deep voice that sounds like it's coming from beyond the grave. “Stop Golem!”, Evron orders. “Let us see if we can try to make things a little easier. Don’t speak esoterically, please Golem. Speak plainly, as if your audience were a bunch of fools. Fershtay? (Do you understand?)” “Yeah”, the Golem responds. “Golem already knew that he has an audience of fools. Golem is not stupid.” These last words create a stir in the room. But Evron calms the nerves by giving the Golem a signal to continue reading, which he obeys: “Dad and mom sleep together. It is what is called ‘sleeping together’ and is when dad and mom sleep i...

At dusk, a group of women crowd around in the middle of the town square: “Strange things are happening lately in this town. First, Grand Rabbi Tzvi disappears without a trace. Then the elders close the Beit Midrash for two days without explanation. Then there are witnesses who claim to have seen the elders late at night accompanied by a naked giant. Then Charna… tell them what you told me, Charna.” “The other afternoon I went to the town hall to pick up the document proving that, although my husband is a plush doll, we are married by Jewish law. And while I waited for my turn, I was hearing tremendous blows on the upper floor, as if a hippo was jumping ropes.” “And finally poor Elijah Sutzkever flew out through a town hall window and flied over the entire town like a shooting star. And that in the middle of the Shabbat! ” "What a scandal! The Talmud expressly prohibits flying on Shabbat to anything that lacks wings!” "By the way, how is poor Elijah?" “The doctor st...

"Stop!" Evron orders. “We have enough matter with this phrase.” The Golem obeys immediately and is paralyzed with the open book in his hands. The wise men of Chelm do not take his eyes off him, who seems to have disconnected from everything around him. "It's really odd", Feivel says. "Well (Evron states), all Zohar quotes are odd. That's the reason why we are here: to decipher them." "I mean the Golem. When you have said 'stop' he has become petrified." "And what did you expect? That he would cut and run like the previous reader? This is not Mordekai! (Zal er hobn a zis toyt; a fur mit tsuker zol im loyfn: ‘May he have a sweet death; a truck filled with sugar should run him over’) This is a Golem! He obeys everything you order. It's his nature." "Can I do a test?", Elijah asks. "Neyn. We're here to analyze the Kabbalah, not the Golem." "The Kabbalah’s quote doesn’t have much myste...

Dovid breaks in the town hall and bumps into Evron, who rushes to ask him with expression of concern: “How’s the Grand Rabbi doing?” “Still dead. I wouldn’t bet on it.” “But he was a miracle worker!” “I guess even to work miracles you need to be alive. Or at least, not be dead.” “Then, we have a serious problem.” “What do you mean?” “We have a monster locked in the Beit Midrash! And there is no one with enough knowledge to control it!” “Do you mean the Golem?” “No, I mean my sister-in-law Henye. Of course I mean the Golem! How many monsters do we have locked in the Beit Midrash?!” “I think it’s no big deal. We Jews have always had problems and in the end we have always gotten ahead.” “You go tell Rabbi Tzvi. That will comfort him a lot.” Dovid goes to the door: “I’ll tell him but ...” “Forget it. I was being ironic.” And after a long reflective silence, Evron suddenly asks: “Do you think he can hear us?” “As I said, I wouldn’t bet on it.” “Neyn! I don't mean the Gr...

Have any of you, readers, had the feeling that what you were witnessing with your own eyes simply could not be? Have any of you seen, say, a non-cartoon seal dancing twist with a cane? Or a rain whose drops go up instead of down? Or a native of a lost tribe of the Amazon who spontaneously starts singing "Danny Boy" or some other Irish ballad? Yes? Well, then it will be easy for you to get an idea of the feeling of disbelief that overwhelms the wise men of Chelm as soon as they see the golem in motion. (Allow me, however, to advise you to visit a specialist.) Instead, the Grand Rabbi Tzvi does not seem particularly incredulous about it. Especially after the golem has given him an affectionate pat on the back that has slammed him against the wall and a lever has been needed to free him. Surprisingly, the rabbi emerges unscathed but leaves all his teeth embedded in the wall, which does not prevent him from laughing out loud celebrating his feat of giving life to the golem. “Bu...

As they climb up the narrow, steep spiral staircase that leads to the synagogue attic, the wise men of Chelm exchange comments on the usefulness of a staircase to access the upper floor of a building, which is the worldly issue that they have been weighing in the course of the last days. Upon reaching the landing of the attic, they are in such a small space that most of them must wait on the stairs. That allows them to value more carefully the practical aspect of that ingenious invention called "stairs". What a difference between this and the rudimentary method they use in the town hall to access the upper floor! That method requires two people, one to bend down and offer their hands intertwined as an impulse platform and another to deposit a foot in it. Depending on the expertise and strength of the one who stays on the lower floor, the one who ascends to the upper floor can suffer an accident, either because he fails to pass through the open hole between the two floors and...

When the wise men of Chelm learns from the Grand Rabbi Tzvi Krochmal Rapoport of Lizhensk that the key he so urgently needs is that of the attic of the old synagogue, they are perplexed. “But since when is there an attic in the old synagogue?”, they ask in surprise. Only Fishel, the oldest of them all, seemingly has the answer to that question: “That attic is there from time immemorial. Even from before the synagogue was built. Even from before the town was built. Even from before the world was built!...” And perhaps he would have continued going back even further in time if Evron had not categorically ordered him: “Shut up! You are saying nonsense!” "The question is where the key can be", Dudel says. Then Fishel goes back on: “That key is lost from time immemorial. Even from before the attic was built. Even from before the synagogue was built. Even from before the town was built. Even from before the world was built!...” Dovid, who is at his side, slaps him and Fishel...

The wise men of Chelm are gathered in the town hall considering the convenience of building a staircase so that they can climb to the upper floor, when a little boy bursts in shouting: “The Grand Rabbi asks who has the key! He needs the key urgently”. And that said, he leaves without stopping for a moment. “What was that?”, one of the elders whispers. “A message from the rabbi. Apparently he needs a key.” “A key? What key? Didn't we give him the key to his house, the key to the synagogue and the key to the Beit Midrash? What other key does he need?" “The key to Wisdom!”, Evron declares suddenly with his face lighted up. “Wisdom? Where is that place? On the outskirts?” “On the Kabbalah!”, Evron states, and asks Elijah to go home to look for the Zohar immediately. A while later, the elders in procession enter the synagogue, where they find the Grand Rabbi with his head tucked into a pile of hay while a man is asking him why does Torah prohibit eating pork. “Rabbi Tzvi!”...

Finding a true "miracle worker" rabbi is not an easy task. Finding a rabbi with a reputation as a "miracle worker" is easier. Finding a rabbi who pretends to work miracles is a pushover.  And the latter is what the wise men of Chelm found. The rabbi in question called himself Grand Rabbi Tzvi Krochmal Rapoport of Lizhensk, but in the Lizhensk's Civil Registry he was inscribed as «Tzvi the village shlemiel» (Tzvi the village idiot). The miracles that supposedly were within his reach covered a wide variety of cases. From finding a lost pet to moving a mountain, going through all kinds of feats each more ludicrous than the next. When the old wise men of Chelm organized a party in the town hall to honor him, the inhabitants of Chelm were able to witness with their own eyes one of the miraculous feats of their new rabbi: he could eat nonstop for three hours. They were also able to realize certain peculiarities of his idiosyncrasy. For example, in his public appearan...

“This is a beautiful phrase. Let's stop here to reflect”, Evron propose, and immediately Mordekai takes advantage of the break to go outside. “Why every time I say stop, does this guy run away? I don’t get it.” Dudel ventures an answer: “He must be nuts. You know: knowing how to read doesn't make you wise. The world is full of idiots who can read. But that's not the point. The point is to understand what you read.” “Very well put, Dudel." Evron reiterates his proposal: “So, let's try to understand this sentence: ‘Within the most hidden, a dark flame issued forth'.” “I guess it has to refer to something. But who knows what!” “I agree. There is a meaning there, in the most hidden. I feel it!” “Perhaps the dark flame is a symbol”, Dovid suggests. “You mean a symbol of something?”, Feivel asks. “Why? I wonder why a symbol must necessarily be a symbol of something. Why can't it be a symbol of anything? Why can't it simply be a symbol?” “A symbol ca...

The cemetery of the village of Chelm is located on the outskirts of Chelm, and in turn the outskirts of Chelm are located where the cemetery is. Thanks to this fortunate coincidence, when you go to the outskirts of Chelm, you necessarily go to the cemetery and when you go to the cemetery you must necessarily go to the outskirts of Chelm. This is a very convenient situation because, those villagers in Chelm who have the bad luck to die, are ashamed to say they are dead, and in this way they can always say that they have gone to live on the outskirts. And this situation is not only convenient for the deceased, but it is also useful to the wise men of Chelm on this particular occasion. Because, when their neighbors see them stone-faced parading all together through the main streets at nightfall and ask them where they are going, they respond "to the outskirts". They have obviously done their homework, that is to say, they have spent the day listening to Mordekai read passages ...

“Stop!", Evron exclaims, and Mordekai stop reading and runs away to play with Evron's children. (This time, the meeting is not held at the town hall but at Evron's house.) “Ah, this is very profound, indeed. So profound that if it were a deep well and we threw a stone in it, we wouldn’t hear its collision with the water.” Everyone stares at him, stunned. “Why do you look at me that way? It has been said: You look like a meshugener (mad man) feeding a lamb.” Suddenly, Pesha, Evrom's wife, is heard shouting: “Evrom! Evrom! ” Evron jumps from his seat like a flunkey: “What happens, daughter of Judah? Peace be with you!” And rushes out of the room. Chelm elders start whispering: “What’s the matter with Evrom? He speaks in a weird way. It seems he has been infected by Kabbalah’s style." “Kabbalah has gone straight to his head!" “Oy gevalt! He’s drunk with Kabbalah!" “Maybe he is becoming a kabbalist! A Yiddisher kabbalist!” “Maybe he's becoming ...

There is a long silence after Mordekai has read this phrase and run out to the street. Eventually, Elijah take the floor: “It seems to me that this phrase is reversed.” “What do you mean?”, Evron asks. “It should say ‘As below, so above' and not ‘As above, so below'.” “Are you gonna find fault with the Kabbalah?” “Actually both sentences are right. It all depends on the point of view, that is whether you are up or down.” “What if it catches you in the middle?”, Feivel blurts out. It is Dudel who answers: “Then you've got a big problem and you will not find where to relief yourself. Last February, Avrom Zangwill left his house in the middle of a storm, but halfway to his brother's house he was paralyzed. Lightning had struck him and he could not move forward or backward! And he had a full bladder!” “And what did he do?” “Well, you can imagine it. When the lightning effect passed, it was already too late. That’s why it’s convenient to always have a potty at hand....

«Stop here!» , Evron orders Mordecai, the young Lublin reader hired by the wise men of Chelm to read the Zohar. «We will think about this quote.» «I don't know what we have to think about. The thing is clear as day» Elijah says. «Then, explain it to the rest of us idiots, if you are so kind.» "Well, it's very simple. He says we should go to the cemetery to listen to the dead." There is a great deal of confusion and shouting. Evron climbs into a chair and from there tries to reassure the others: «Folks, calm down! Calm down and let me speak!» Gradually, the congregation settles down and the wise men of Chelm listen to Evron who addresses them standing on the chair: “Elijah has had little tact in saying it so abruptly. But I also think that this is what Kabbalah demands from us.” These words cause quite a stir. "Listen", Evron continues, “We’ll appoint a delegation to go to the cemetery tonight in order to hear what the dead have to tell us.” A commot...

Once Mordekai has read aloud this phrase from the Zohar, he goes outside and the wise men of Chelm are left in the town hall holding this hot potato. The first to speak is Elijah: “The first thing that should be clarified here is which Jacob”. “What do you mean by ‘which Jacob'?” Evrom asks. “Do you know how many Jacobs are in the world?!”, Elijah answers back. “No. How many?” “Well, I haven't counted them but ...” Chatzkel interrupts him: “I have! I have!” “Do you have what?” “I have counted them! And the exact number is a lot.” “Are you sure about that? Don't you forget any?” “Yes, you forget my brother-in-law”, Dudel says. “You mean Dovid?” “Neyn. The other one: Hendel’s husband. He is named Jacob.” “And there is also Jacob the fiddler", someone says. "And Jacob Aksenfeld", adds another. “Who is that?” “Don't you remember Aksenfeld? The one who emigrated to America to make his fortune but he messed up and made somebody else's fortun...

Mordekai approaches his eyes to the open book until he crushes his nose against it: “What on earth is written here? The ink has run. I cannot distinguish well the last word. 'And he called the darkness...” Elijah hurries to help: “Let's see. Let me see ...” He pushes Mordekai to make room for himself, but Mordekai resists him. “Back off, bobkes!” , Elijah suddenly exclaims, “How do you want me to look if you don't back off?!” Mordekai backs off, and Elijah takes out a huge magnifying glass with which he examines the dim word carefully. Suddenly, he stands straight and exclaims: “Porpoise! It says ‘porpoise’! Poter nu (No doubt)” But Evrom is skeptical: “‘And he called the darkness porpoise?’ That makes no sense.” “Maybe it does, but it's such a dark quote!”, Chatzkel observes. “Neyn! It says light”, says Mordekai who has been examining the text again with his nose crushed against the page. “Doesn’t say anything about porpoises.” “‘And he called the darkness ...

The reading of Mordekai is abruptly interrupted by an exclamation uttered by Feivel. “What's the matter?” Evrom asks. “I recognize that phrase! ‘The beard of thuth’. It is from Shmelka the barber. He created it as an appeal for his business.” “What are you saying? That Kabbalah copied Shmelka's phrase?” “That's exactly what.” “And won't it be that Shmelka appropriated the quotation to use it as an advertising slogan for his barbershop?” “Neyn! Shmelka wouldn't do that.” “Dovid, please, go to Shmelka's barbershop and tell him to come immediately to the town hall. Let's clear this up once and for all!” Meanwhile Feivel insists: “I know Shmelka and he would never lie about such a thing. I don't know Kabbalah, so I trust Shmelka more. He is an honest man.” “And what is Kabbalah?! A scoundrel?!” “I wouldn't risk my neck for Kabbalah because I don't know her.” “Kabbalah was written by Shimon bar Yochai!” Evrom screams. “Who is that?” “Don...