MISTER MYSTERY RESPONDS

Today I have had the certainty. Today I’ve noticed their stinky breath in my neck. Now I know for certain that spies from all over Europe are stepping on my toes to discover if a normal human being (within what can be considered normal to someone whose great-uncle had been granted the title of Samurai by the very Emperor of France) could become the latest thing in the arms race. I'm afraid that some of them witnessed my sudden takeoff yesterday and now I fear for my life. So I’ve said goodbye to Gilberte and her parents hastily, and I've made the first excuse that crossed my mind. And of all the things to stick in my mouth it had to be my foot! I knew that in those days the newspaper L'Auto-Vélo was sponsoring the first Tour de France cycling stage race. And, I don’t know why, that's exactly what came to my mind. “I must return to Paris because I’ve just won the Tour de France and I have to go pick up the trophy” I said as if stupefied. I know! I know! It was nonsense! ...

Well, guess what. That young scientist whom we met in Karlsbad (I think his name was Ernstein or Einstin or Einstein) was not a nut after all. As he had predicted, the inside of my body is filled with a radiation of unpredictable consequences! Now it is a question of discovering the scope of those consequences without hurting oneself. The most spectacular of all, I discovered by pure chance. I had just climbed the rock and drunk from the spring when suddenly I felt like expelling the solid waste from my body, to put it elegantly. I hid behind a thicket and started making superhuman efforts to achieve my goal. And, suddenly, a blast sounded just below me and, believe it or not, I took off at high speed on an upward trajectory. While desperately trying to pull up my pants, I didn’t stop ascending and ascending … until Karlsbad became a multicolored spot in the middle of a vast green jungle. Little by little, the gravitational force was slowing my ascent until, for a moment, I remained su...

Today a surprising thing happened. It's not like to be proud of it, of course, but the fact is that whereas Jesus Christ could restore sight to the blind, it turns out that I am capable of performing the reverse miracle. But, let us start at the beginning. This morning, Dr. Hoenstrich’s two gorillas of assistants have shown up in my room without an appointment and have required me to accompany them to the doctor's laboratory for a routine checkup. I replicated that this was no way to ask for things, and they immediately got the message and slapped me until I was semi unconscious. Then they dragged me to a subterranean room paradoxically located on the attic. There Dr. Hoenstrich was waiting for me in the company of two high-ranking Austro-Hungarian officers who were caressing each other’s mustache. Dr. Hoenstrich asked me rudely to take off my clothes from the waist up. Bent on inculcating a little of good manners in those brutes, I refused categorically unless I was asked prop...

Today Gilberte has saved a young man from a lynching. He had been prescribed baths in hot mineral water, so he came to Karlsbad. But he didn’t know that there were pools dedicated to that purpose. He was queuing at the Sprudel's pond and, when his turn has arrived, he has undressed in a flash and got into the fountain from which people were waiting to drink. The ladies showed their repulsion by screaming and fainting, while the gentlemen rushed on the trouble maker, who jumped out of the fountain and ran stark naked, chased by a furious crowd. They circled the fountain several times, until nobody knew who the persecuted and the persecutor was. Gilberte took advantage of the confusion to hide the fugitive behind her parasol. And so, the two have moved away from the fuss by walking backwards. The young man has been so grateful that he has insisted on inviting us to lunch. His name is Albert Einstein and he is a recently graduated scientist. During the meal, Gilberte has shown him the...

Last night another piano jumped off the balcony, this time with pianist and everything. Luckily, this time there were no victims to mourn since the pianist had notions of gliding. The hotel detective, who I've been talking to this morning, considers that the detail of the pianist could be a key piece to solve the enigma of suicidal pianos. In fact, he does not think it's suicide. It should be noted that the Grandhotel has introduced recently a new service consisting of including with each suite's grand piano a professional pianist, whose mission is to provide guests with continuous environmental music fit for accompany each specific situation that takes place in the suite. Complaints have already been received from some guests who do not appreciate the zeal with which these pianists fulfill their mission. And it's not outside the realm of possibility that throwing the piano off the balcony would be a way of expressing discontent. This hypothesis, however, couldn’t be co...

Today I skipped the first, the second and the third climbs of the day to go to a synagogue and meet with a rabbi. It has been a very useful interview. Now I know how Moses managed to keep his sandals from getting wet when he crossed the Red Sea. Now I know what God had in mind when he ordered Abraham to sacrifice his only son. (In any case, it was fortunate that Abraham was a man of slow movements.) Now I understand why God became so angry with his servant Job. (If he had not added that little pig bone to the broth...). Now I understand why Jacob chose a stone as a pillow instead of a cushion of feathers. (Well, the truth is that I do not quite understand it, but I know it's understandable.) Now I know why our ancestors had to walk forty years in the desert. (There is nothing so healthy as walking in the desert twelve hours a day for forty years in a row.) Now I understand why God is bothered by apostasy and why men are bothered by God's botheration. Now I understand so many th...

Is it possible that the late M. Latour was right when he defined the quiet spa resort as a nest of spies? Is it possible that Gilberte's father occupies himself with throwing pianos from the balconies? Is it possible that I am the victim of an international conspiracy? But what would the countries present at the Hague Conference win with my poisoning? In any case, they would not have much to lose either. Maybe they need another scapegoat. But they already have Dreyfus. Maybe one is not enough for them. Lately, the world is a little short of scapegoats, and I am a prototypical one. But wait a moment. Dreyfuss is a Jew. And Karlsbad is a resort frequented by Jews from all over Europe. Swann is also a Jew. And, come to think of it, my mother is a Jew too, what makes me a Jew myself! Which reminds me that I have not celebrated the Jewish Easter for many years. I don’t even remember when it was the last time I entered a synagogue. Yahve must not remember me either! Tomorrow I must go wi...

While Gilberte and I were having lunch on the Grandhotel's outdoor terrace, she has told me that yesterday night she had missed the grand piano that used to be in his room. Immediately I have connected the dots, but I have not dared to tell Gilberte that yesterday her piano jumped across the balcony landing on the head of an Austro-Hungarian General. However, I must confess that I myself begin to have doubts about whether the piano jumped on its own initiative or someone pushed it. When Gilberte has gone to the bathroom, one of the guys who follow me everywhere has addressed me. He was a compatriot, a Frenchman named Julien Latour, a spy by profession. He has  confessed to me that M. Swann is also a spy at the service of France and that it was he who threw the piano on the Austro-Hungarian general, but that I mustn’t take it into account. He added that Karlsbad is currently an international nest of spies and that I should be careful because I am in the spotlight of all of them beca...

Due to the fact that our respective spa treatments don’t match, Gilberte and I have barely time to see each other. That's why I’ve invited her to accompany me to one of my continuous rock-climbings. The idea has excited her since it allows her to leave the monotony of the long queues in front of the geysher. First I have instructed her conveniently about the most effective procedure for climbing a rock wall, which is basically to scale. Any other system of displacement, such as creeping, walking, swimming, jumping, crawling ... is useless for perching on top of a rock wall. (Incidentally, this information can also be useful to the reader). However, she has found a novel procedure consisting of putting all her weight on the back of someone who is the one who scales. With this original climbing method, I have reached the top of the rock breathless. It has taken me some time for the pupils of my eyes to stop orbiting and for my brain to coordinate ideas again, time that has been used ...

If the life of a member of the privileged class who does not need to work for a living was already boring in Paris, here in the spa, boredom reaches cosmic proportions. I doubt much that in Neptune or Pluton, (to name two planets with a degree of evolution similar to that of Earth, according to the latest discoveries of the Charenton lunatic asylum’s observatory), people get bored as much as we get bored here. Being subjected to rigid schedules determined by the frequent intake of water, constricts your life to the point that one completely lacks freedom of choice if it is not for things like the underpants that you are going to put on today. And taking into account that it is strictly forbidden to accumulate the water necessary for the intake of the whole day but it is necessary to go to the spring on each of the six daily occasions in which this intake is stipulated, you don’t even have time to relieve yourself. In short, you spend most of your time queuing up at one of the many ther...

Yesterday we arrived at Karslbad M. Swann, Mme Swann, her daughter Gilberte and myself. We stayed in the Grandhotel Pupp, in separate rooms, and the first thing we did was to present ourselves to Dr. Hoenstrich so that he could examine us and prescribe to each one the type of water that suits us best. The Swanns have been prescribed the hot mineral water that flows from the main fountain of the resort, a geyser surrounded by a small circular pond called "der Sprudel", located in the center of the place. On the other hand, I have been prescribed water from a natural spring on top of a rock that has to be climbed. When I protested, the doctor showed me a gun that he keeps in a drawer. It's high season and the spa is overflowing with people. At each fountain there is a lot of patients waiting in line to drink a sip. However, no one queues before the rock at the top of which there is the spring whose water I must drink. I have informed myself surreptitiously and I have learne...